So, you're probably wondering where I have been? Let me explain why I have been silent, the past few months have been a shit-show! I lost some friends because of some episodes, I quit my job, and I have just been experiencing inner turmoil.
I have experienced some episodes where I lashed out to those close to me, after bottling in my frustration for long, even though I apologized I still felt shitty about it. It got me thinking that we sometimes make the mistake of assuming those close to us will know when something is wrong and we end up lashing out. So, this post is just about that, paying to the signs before an episode. Please be aware signs are different per individual and this is based on my own experience.
Firstly, when I am frustrated with someone close to me, I usually go silent. My reasoning is that if I address what is bothering me, they might not like it and end up leaving me. That is me feeding into my fear of abandonment, in this instance, it would be helpful if those close to me had noted the silence and asked and opened up that space. Don't get me wrong, my friends have created a safe space for open discussion but I still get scared to open up.
Secondly, I am always canceling plans. I would prefer to be at home alone than out anywhere and be with my thoughts. Me, avoiding social interaction is because I know I will probably have an episode when my out and these are usually triggered by alcohol. In this instance, instead of pressing that I come out, it is helpful to ask if there’s a reason I may not be going out and layout the words like ”isn’t anxiety? Are you feeling okay?”
Lastly, not responding to messages. I have days where I do not feel like responding to anything and it kind of triggers the fear of abandonment if a response is demanded. People often make the mistake of making the other party guilty for not responding to their message, this usually drives my anxiety up the wall. In this instance, it would be helpful to let me know I can respond when I can cause it’s not that urgent (do not follow up with a call.)
As I go, I will add on those this list. I have decided to do a 10 part series on BPD & Relationships. Thank you for always reading and the comments.